Westerman Therapy - Blog

Developing happiness and resilience in children

Thu, 13 Aug 2020 10:24:48 GMT

"If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely"

Roald Dahl

Children's therapy can provide a platform for them to build on there own awareness of feelings and emotions which can help regulate their reactions, thus becoming more resilient for now and the future.

It’s every parent’s or guardian’s wish that our children are healthy and happy, that they enjoy their childhood and that we help them to create lasting memories for the rest of their lives.

But life can sometimes be tough, so in today’s busy and changing world how can we instill happiness in our children and help them be more resilient to the challenges they might face? Giving our children sanity and strength is one key - and introducing the concept of mindfulness can be one way to do this. In fact, in 2015, Willem Kuyken, a professor of clinical psychology at Oxford University, was quoted as saying ‘the spread of mindfulness among children could do for Britain’s mental health what fluoride did for its teeth’.

Many young children already live ‘in the moment’ naturally, but they can often benefit from being shown how to be aware of their feelings and emotions and how to regulate their reactions to them. So, how can we introduce some simple mindfulness? Here we provide advice from a range of experts who are appearing in the Mindful Minis feature at The Mindful Living Show on 15-16 March.

1. Basic self-care and quiet time together…

Every family member will encounter stressful situations and we can help our children develop strategies to navigate these and nourish their personal resilience through basic self-care and mindfulness practices. Remembering to have enough sleep, a healthy diet and some quiet time together as well as building in daily activities such as a mindful minute, a gratitude jar and a creative project such as colouring, jigsaws or baking.

- Christiane Kerr, Calm For Kids

2. Give children the 3 A’s…

Children need three things every day - Attention, Affection and Affirmation. Ensuring your child gets a dose of the three A’s each day, as well as daily relaxation, will set them up for a happier more resilient life.
- Sarah Adams, Relax Kids Ltd

3. Encourage them to try new things…

We are all students and all teachers. We can build resilience in children and young people by empowering them to lead their own learning, encouraging and giving them permission to try new things and to experiment. We can create opportunities for them to master the skills and activities that align to their strengths and interests.

- Kate Andrews Founder, Sketch Better & Positive Psychology Life Coach

4. Let them express themselves…

Children instinctively know how to be happy and will be, on the whole, given the time and space to explore and express themselves in their own way without dictation from adults. Certainly we can lightheartedly join them in play and creativity if they want us to, and guide them with appropriate boundaries when they need us to, but this should always be in response to who they are in each moment, not who we think they should be.

- Sarah Salmon, Brilliant Beings

5. Encourage experimentation…

The visual arts are great for encouraging mistake making and experiments. They intentionally encourage you to see things differently and to be comfortable with both mistakes and intentional mess :) Children love the process of making and creating, so encourage them to do just that, and when they make mistakes (or mess), don't take over or fix it - calmly demonstrate how to do something and get them to join in with you.

- Kate Andrews Founder, Sketch Better & Positive Psychology Life Coach

Sarah Salmon founder of Brilliant Beings (mindful movement and relaxation) summarises nicely - it’s pretty simple, really. How to build happiness? “…Have fun and play, be kind, give hugs and hold hands…Children feel the benefit of our attention, particularly when it is playful, light-hearted and warm; not rocket science, but definitely something we need to remember in a hectic world where attainment and doing may be out of balance with being and enjoying.’”

Adele Balzan for The Mindful Living Show - 1st March 2019

Revise Your Narrative

Wed, 29 Jul 2020 14:19:24 GMT

What old story about yourself are you still believing?
Here’s how to find it and change it

Many of us hold deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves that are simply not true. You can start to free yourself from them by editing your narrative, says psychiatrist John Sharp.

There are many things in our lives that we have little control over — the news, the weather, the traffic, the soup of the day at our local café. But among the things that we can control, there’s a big one: our story.

This narrative is not the one that contains the objective facts of our lives; instead, it’s “the story you’ve been telling yourself about who you are and how everything always plays out,” says psychiatrist and Harvard Medical School professor John Sharp.

And he adds, “If you want to change your life, it needs a re-edit.”

The problem with this story is that too often, it’s not accurate — writer Marilynne Robinson calls it “a mean little myth.”

Sharp, the author of The Insight Cure: Change Your Story, Transform Your Life, explains, “Some emotionally difficult scenes are way over-included — just think of all the things you can’t let go of — and other scenes are deleted, such as times when things did go well. The worst part about the false truth … is that it becomes our self-fulfilling prophecy, the basis of what we expect from ourselves in the future.”

To begin revising your narrative, Sharp recommends doing the following:

1. Identify where your narrative diverges from reality.

For Sharp, his parents divorced when he was young, and he says, “the false truth that I held to so dearly was that just … as I couldn’t be effective in keeping my parents together, I probably couldn’t be effective at much of anything else, and this left me feeling very insecure.”

Since you’ve long accepted your false story as the official account, it may not be super-obvious to you. If you’re not sure what it is,

try filling in these blanks, says Sharp:

“If I break a promise to myself, I feel ___________.”

“When someone ignores me, I feel _____________.”

“When my partner or best friend and I have a big fight, I feel _____________.”

Why these prompts? Our inaccurate narrative tends to be one that we default to when we’re faced with difficulty or disappointment.

Another way to help you identify your old story is to listen to your self-talk and notice when it includes statements that begin with “I always ______,” “I’m always ______,” or “I never ______.”

After you find your ingrained story, think back to your childhood and try to look for the experiences that helped feed it. And if you end up identifying multiple false stories, choose the one that’s had the most impact on your life. Sharp says, “While I know there are many stories and many possible revisions for all of us, I truly believe that there’s one underlying story that you deserve to identify and rework first.”

2. Question your beliefs.

Let’s say your deep belief is no matter what you do, it’s not enough; perhaps your parents were rarely satisfied with your achievements, even when they were stellar, and fixated on your next report card, exam or accomplishment. So, ask yourself: While that might have been the case when you were younger, is it really true now that what you do is never enough?

“When you view it from an adult perspective, you can see that it’s not fair or just to ourselves,” says Sharp.

Your story doesn’t have to have been caused by your parents, but it’s typically the result of a relationship we had when we were young. Explains Sharp, “It happens at a time before we know the difference between a healthy and and unhealthy reaction to something that really scares us, so we hold on to the wrong conclusion.”

3. Don’t beat yourself up.

It’s normal to feel a bit discouraged when you realize how long you’ve been telling yourself a false narrative. But know you’re far from alone — many of us walk around with these stories, says Sharp. “We need to be compassionate with ourselves about how this came into being.” Most people come up with them for what he calls “understandable reasons” — the need to maintain a sense of control and the tendency for kids to take specific circumstances and generalize broadly.

4. Introduce positives into your narrative.

Think about all your strengths and talents, and appreciate them. While the situations that led to the false story have made you into who you are today, they’ve probably affected you in positive ways as well. Maybe they’ve made you more resourceful, more responsible, more empathic, or more ambitious. These positives, whether they’re big or small, deserve a place in your story, too.

5. Leave behind the old story.

“Cut away what no longer serves you,” says Sharp. “Identify and gather up all the many exceptions … and accept that it’s safe now to move on. You no longer have to hold on to that false security.”

One of Sharp’s patients was a woman who avoided all challenges and adversity. Upon reflecting about her past, she realized “she suffered from the false truth that when she fell, she couldn’t pick herself up,” says Sharp. “Now she knows she can, and her future looks entirely different and better.”

Sharp is a fervent believer in the power of editing one’s story. “If I hadn’t cut away from my ‘mean little myth,’ then I’m confident now that I wouldn’t be here with you today,” he says in his TEDx talk. “In my 20 years of clinical practice, I’ve seen this kind of transformation over and over again.”

Watch his TEDxBeaconStreet talk here

Article by Mary Halton

Image by Raúl Soria

If you need any help beginning to change your story, please contact me.

Coronavirus Worries: Mask Concerns

Wed, 29 Jul 2020 12:37:30 GMT

Issues may reveal a deeper burden

There may be many reasons why someone is finding it difficult to wear a mask.

Survivors of sexual abuse, in particular, may find this difficult.

Survivors on our helpline tell us that covering their own face or seeing the faces of others covered has been a triggering experience for them. From a small survey we conducted, we found that a third of survivors who responded confirmed this. With the Government’s announcement that face coverings will be mandatory in shops from Friday the 24th of July, this issue will only worsen for survivors affected by this.

Within the Government’s Guidelines for face coverings on public transport, it states that those who “cannot put on, wear, or remove a face covering without severe distress” will be exempt. Although technically this exemption includes survivors of sexual violence who are triggered by covering their face, asking a survivor to explain this to staff and security guards is a terrifying and humiliating prospect. Many survivors already carry a great deal of shame about what happened to them, making disclosing this to strangers an impossibility. There is also the worry as to how staff or other shoppers may react to them. We live in a society where members of the general public’s perception of survivors are still heavily clouded by rape myths and victim blaming. Survivors may not always receive an empathetic and compassionate response.

Although we strongly urge survivors to try to wear face coverings in order to protect themselves and the vulnerable members of our society, the guidelines state that those who “cannot put on, wear, or remove a face covering without severe distress” are exempt.

If wearing a face covering will be severely distressing for you, please download one or both of these images to your phone to present to staff when entering shops. These are NOT official Government documents but they may help you feel more comfortable when speaking with staff and security guards.

When viewing this web page on your phone, press the image above with your finger and hold down for a second or two. A box will pop up with a few options, select the option to download or save the image. The image should then appear in your photos ready for you to access.

Here are a number of alternative exemption cards that you can download, print and present:

Masks and face coverings can be triggering for a number of reasons. Wearing a face covering can trigger memories of abuse, such as the feeling of having a hand covering your mouth or your face pushed into a pillow. They can also make us feel claustrophobic which can trigger fears of having a panic attack or losing control of our breathing. Survivors have also reported that not being able to see the faces of those around them is intimidating and makes them feel worried. With the conditions of lockdown worsening pre-existing mental health issues and feelings of isolation for many people in the UK, survivors are particularly vulnerable at this time.

Here are some of our tips to consider for those who are worried about wearing a mask:

Practice wearing your face covering at home. If wearing a face covering or mask in public has been particularly triggering for you, try practicing wearing one at home or in environments where you already know you feel safe. Take the time to get used to how it feels on your face. This will make you feel more prepared and relaxed for when you might have to wear the face covering in less familiar or more stressful situations.

Find the right face covering. Some masks and face coverings fit better than others depending on the size and shape of your face. If you can find a face covering that is comfortable and doesn’t irritate you, this will help you stay relaxed in public.

Get creative. If you feel uncomfortable wearing a mask, you could consider wearing a scarf or handkerchief over your mouth instead. Although the feeling is similar, it may be less restrictive and more familiar if it is an item you've owned for a long time. You could even make your own mask or face covering with fabric that makes you happy and feels comfortable on your skin. Here are some official tips on making effective face coverings . If you like the idea of having a personalised mask but would find it difficult to make your own, you can find personalising options online, such as on Bags of Love .

Make it smell good. If there is a particular smell that you find relaxing, such as lavender, invest in a pillow spray that you can lightly spray a fabric mask with 20 minutes before you need to use it. That way, by the time you come to wear the face covering, the smell won’t be overpowering but just enough to relax your senses.

Ask for support. If you have trusted family and loved ones who know what you have been through, ask for their support. This might look like going for practice walks in the face covering with you, going with you to the shops to support you if it gets too much, or helping you to find the right covering for you.

If even after following these tips a mask is still causing you significant distress, you could consider a face shield instead. These still offer protection to the wearer and those around them without the same restrictive fabric covering the mouth. The Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) outlines on their website that they do not recommend the use of face shields as a substitute for face coverings, however, if they are used without a mask “they should wrap around the sides of the wearer’s face and extend to below the chin. Disposable face shields should only be worn for a single use. Reusable face shields should be cleaned and disinfected after each use.” You can find more information on this on the CDC's website here . Face shields are also helpful for those who are hearing impaired or wear glasses (face masks are renowned for steaming up glasses.) You can find a variety of face shields on Amazon and other online retailers.

If you lip-read as part of your communication, you may find an app such as Live Transcribe helpful when those around you are wearing a mask. The app will create live subtitles on screen as a person speaks. Simply search for this in your phone’s app store and click download.

If you feel triggered when you are out in public, whether this is due to face coverings or being overwhelmed by busy places, try considering grounding techniques. Grounding techniques can be very useful when we feel really distressed, particularly when the distress makes us feel very unreal or detached, or it feels like we are in a different situation to where we really are. You can find these here.

The Survivors Trust - Article

Compassion Fatigue: Are you running on Empty?

Wed, 29 Jul 2020 11:51:06 GMT

This is a subtitle for your new post

Is your self-compassion cup running on empty?

Wondering if you are suffering from depression?

It could be compassion fatigue.

Talking Therapy can help refill your self-compassion cup.

Coronavirus & Child Mental Health

Wed, 29 Jul 2020 11:33:11 GMT

What's the Impact?

The affects of coronavirus on children's mental health could impact them for up to 9 years, and young people who have experienced loneliness throughout lockdown could be as much as 3 times more likely to develop depression in the future.

Offering support now could be an effective way to offer them the opportunity to talk about and make sense of the situation and how they have felt about it/ what it means to them.

Children and young people are likely to experience high rates of depression and anxiety for many years after the coronavirus lockdown ends, according to new research.

A team of experts from the University of Bath analysed more than 60 pre-existing, peer-reviewed studies into topics spanning isolation, loneliness and mental health for young people aged between four and 21.

The review concluded that young people who have experienced loneliness throughout the lockdown might be as much as three times more likely to develop depression in the future.

Furthermore, the impact on their mental health could last for at least nine years, according to the research, published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry . Authors of the study added that mental health services need to be prepared for a future spike in demand, while Dr Maria Loades, clinical psychologist from the Department of Psychology at the University of Bath, stated that the duration of loneliness could be more important than its intensity in increasing the risk of future depression among young people.

“From our analysis, it is clear there are strong associations between loneliness and depression in young people, both in the immediate and the longer term,” Dr Loades says. “There is evidence that it's the duration of loneliness as opposed to the intensity which seems to have the biggest impact on depression rates in young people. This means that returning to some degree of normality as soon as possible is of course important.

“However, how this process is managed matters when it comes to shaping young people's feelings and experiences about this period.”

Dr Loades added that play time should be prioritised for young children, many of whom are expected to return to school from this week, as this could help them reconnect with friends and adjust following the intense period of isolation.

This sentiment has been echoed in an open letter from the review team to education secretary Gavin Williamson, in which they suggest the easing of lockdown should be done in a way that provides children with time and opportunity to play with peers.

Schools should be resourced and given clear guidelines on how to support children's emotional wellbeing during the transition period as schools reopen, the experts say, and prioritise play, rather than academic progress, during this time.

“Poor emotional health in children leads to long-term mental health problems, poorer educational attainment and has a considerable economic burden,” the letter states.

Professor Prathiba Chitsabesan, NHS England's associate national clinical director for children and young people's mental health, said the return to school may cause anxiety for some pupils as well as those who remain at home feeling isolated or left out.

She stressed that NHS mental health services remain available for children and young people.

“Children and young people may be experiencing a variety of feelings in response to the coronavirus pandemic, including anxiety, distress and low mood, and it is important to understand that these are normal responses to an abnormal situation,” Professor Chitsabesan said.

“The NHS offers a large amount of mental health support for children and young people, and if a child needs urgent mental health support or advice, check nhs.uk for services in your area, including 24/7 crisis support.”

NHS England issued advice on what parents should look out for and steps they can take to look after their child's mental health.

Signs include finding children are more upset or struggling to manage their emotions, appearing anxious or distressed, increased trouble with sleeping and eating, appearing low in mood, reporting worried thoughts or more bed wetting in younger children.

Parents can help by making time to talk to their children, allowing them to talk about feelings, trying to understand their problems, helping their child do positive activities, trying to keep a routine and looking after their own mental health.

Nadine Dorries, minister for mental health, said: “As many children start to return to school, it's vital we continue to give them the support they need to maintain their mental health and wellbeing and deal with any feelings of uncertainty or worry they may be experiencing.

“The NHS remains there for those who need it and our mental health services are adapting to best support families and children as we all get used to these changes in routine.”

Sarah Young - The Independent

If you feel you, or your family, have been affected by some of the subjects discussed in this article, please get in touch . We can help in ways you may not realise